Topic: Illegal Immigration
Thesis: "Illegal immigration is a legitimate concern for the taxpaying citizens of America; these criminals are coming into in the United States illegally to work under the table in a tax-free environment, then take the money they made to put in their home country. During all of this time, these illegal immigrants are using services such as public education and health care, all of which we, American citizens are paying for."
Check your wording in your first sentence for "into in the." Also, check your past present tenses. Overall, it sounds like you have a lot of support and sources. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a really good topic. Your thesis is argumentative and it looks like you have some really good points you are going to use to back it up.
ReplyDeleteYour thesis is too long and wordy. There is no clear argument. You should specify one singular aspect about illegal immigration because your topic is to broad.
ReplyDeleteI agree with both prior comments you seem to have a grasp of your topic. Coming to this country as in immigrant I know that this is probably the most pressing issue in America so finding information shouldn't be hard.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you know what you are talking about, but I must warn you of your wording. Renaming a person or group of people is a common rhetorical tactic. For instance, the government uses it in war propaganda so that they don't tell US citizens that they killed five men, who were fathers, and two boys under the age of seventeen. Instead they say that they killed seven insurgents. By renaming a people, you make them appear to be one thing. He is no longer a loving brother, who doesn't like pickles and was scared of the flying monkeys on The Wizard of Oz, as a child: he is an insurgent. This takes away their humanity. Even though most people don't have a clear picture of what this word means, they will picture the insurgent, not as a person, but as an abstract word.
ReplyDeleteThe same is true for your use of "criminal." You neglect to recognize that these People are likely trying to make a better life for their families. Instead, you label them quickly as criminals. If you changed that one word to something else, like people, it would have a different effect on the reader.
I just want to to be aware of what you are doing. How would the reader be affected if you use this strategy from the very beginning to the very end of your paper? How about if you start using it part way through? What if you just use it in your final conclusion? What if you explicitly give the reasoning for calling them criminal? Just think about it.
-Candace